


Harry Potter and the mess of reincarnation

by MidnightBunnyy



Series: My time travel fics, of which I have too many [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (Casually names the basilisk medusa), :), ? - Freeform, Also if your reading this go leave a comment asking me about the tags, Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And Me Want Bite, And c a t s, And it will only get worse, And we terrify him, Any friendships down in the tags are ones i havent decided on yet, At the current moment, Because if that doesnt perfectly fit Harry's dumbass energy i dont what does, Book 1: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, But does it count if he fails?, Canonical Alternate Universe, Cat Owner Harry Potter, Cause yesssssss, Dimension Travel, Does that tag really count?, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Feel free to suggest songs though, Fix-It of Sorts, For the most part, Gen, Harry Potter & Ron Weasley - Freeform, Harry Potter Has a Pet Snake, Harry acquires pets faster than you can say Quidditch, Harry has an american accent sometimes, Harry has problems, He never died soooo, Hes not the sharpest tool in the shed, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I mean he has three by chapter four, I take most things literally, If you don't know that quote tell me and I'll be delighted to educate you on it, If you wanted a complex plot you came to the wrong place buddy, In this house, Insane Harry Potter, Invincible Harry Potter, It also has to do with whether or not i can make him nicer, It depends on whether my dislike of ron, It's four to three here, Its literally just mood music, Knitting, Letters, Like luna and fangirls, Long Hair, Manipulative Albus Dumbledore, Maybe - Freeform, Minor Percy Weasley/Oliver Wood, Minor Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Monthly updates, Multiverse, No Romance, Not like alternate universe - canon divergence, October 25 2020, One meaningful song (ish), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Outweighs how much i like kromione and them being friends, Over use of y'all for someone who isnt even from a state where its inhabitants use it regularly, Parselmouth Harry Potter, Parseltongue, Quotes from actual people, Reincarnation, Self-Insert, Sirius Black Lives, Sirius Black's Flying Motorbike, Smart-ish Harry Potter, So if you come near me with ship requests I'll beat you back with a baseball bat, Swearing, Tags Are Fun, Tags Contain Spoilers, Technically Speaking, That i got off tumblr, Thats changing the story line, The logic of the wizarding world is held together by duct tape, There are so many things i dislike about her, There should be a tag for changes to canon, There should be one for little changes to not very important details, These are the only relationships allowed in this fic, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This is a fic about f r i e n d s h i p, Time Travel, To screw with people, Veil of Death (Harry Potter), We dont like molly in this house, We hate peter pettigrew, We have more character tags for animals than we do people, What hagrid doesnt know (that harry shouldnt have it) doesnt hurt him, Which is clearly a reliable source of information, Why Did I Write This?, Why?, Yes i found that relevant, and i will have so much fun with that, and what the heck muse this was supposed to be light hearted, but he tries, but in a good way, but now we have an emotionally stunted child, but still, damn you horrible relatives, from a lot of things, give or take, i have a playlist, just be warned, kind of, like wow i didnt mean to go that way, make of that what you will, most of which havent come out yet, quotes, shes very independant, then you throw this and more at me, who doesnt think much of himself, would that work?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:42:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26626921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightBunnyy/pseuds/MidnightBunnyy
Summary: Look, I didn't want to be reincarnated as Harry Potter.Fate had sent me back through time and space, though, so it wasn't like I had much choice. All I had was my memories, a messy plan to survive, and luck.And if Fate wanted a show, I'd give the best damn show this side of the Mississippi.
Relationships: Cedric Diggory & Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy & Harry Potter, Harry Potter & Fred Weasley & George Weasley, Harry Potter & Original Female Character(s), Hermione Granger & Harry Potter, Luna Lovegood & Harry Potter, Neville Longbottom & Harry Potter, Remus Lupin & Harry Potter, Sirius Black & Harry Potter
Series: My time travel fics, of which I have too many [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2102517
Comments: 41
Kudos: 138





	1. Look, I didn't want to be a wizard

Look, I didn't want to be reincarnated as Harry Potter.

Sure, I had joked about it a couple of times with my friends, but that didn't mean I wanted it to actually happen. Because that would everyone I knew and loved wasn't even born yet, or didn't know me.

But still, here I was, in this mess, a newborn infant.

* * *

I don't remember how I died. Heck, for all I knew, I wasn't dead. Maybe I was hallucinating, maybe I was dreaming, I don't know. The only thing I _did_ know was that I was a newborn.

At first, everything had been blurry. Dark shapes were above me, loud voices echoed.

"Lily! It's a boy!" A male voice above me said.

I opened my mouth, trying to say, no, I wasn't a boy, thank you very much, but all that came out was the cry of a baby. What was happening?

I was cradled in strong arms, passed around between someone named Padfoot, (did some Harry Potter nerd actually nickname his friend that?) until I was passed back to my mother, Lily.

She rocked me gently, and gave me a name. 

"Harry." Great, both of them! What next, I was going to be set up for play dates with some kid named Ron?

"Harry Potter."

* * *

You heard it here first, folks. I, Maggie Johnson, had been sent back through time and space as the great Harry Potter.

And my life would be hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this at midnight what am I doing this is shit


	2. I Free a Snake...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of the dialogue that isn't Harry's or directly affected by what Harry said is from the book, and some of the text is directly from it.

I didn't realize I was Harry Potter right away, of course. Both Harry and Potter seemed to be common enough names, and who was I to judge naming their kid after a book character? I had named my grumpy black kitten Nico, for goddess' sake.

It was after the miniature broom, the spells that made household chores so easy, and my godfather turning into a dog that convinced me. I was Harry Potter, and my life would be hell.

So, I waited and remembered. I waited and remembered as Voldemort killed my parents, as I was left on the doorstep, as I grew up and wrote down everything I was sure had happened, as Dudley and his minions used me as a punching bag, as I grew older, as I suffered under the Dursleys, until, finally, I reached the beginning. Dudley's birthday.

* * *

Nearly ten years had passed since I had appeared on the Dursleys doorstep, but Privet Drive hadn't changed a lick. The only visible passage of time came from Dudley's pictures, every one showing a differently aged fat walrus.

Actually, that's rude to walruses. They're not all that bad.

My existence was wiped from the photos. But, that didn't mean I wasn't there. Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived (in-a-cupboard).

Small, dark, and always locked, it was a dreary place to live. But, it was my home, at least until I could get Sirius out of Azkaban. 

"Up! Get up! Now!"

Aunt Petunia's shrill voice woke me from my dream. It wasn't Harry's flying motorcycle. Instead, it was me. Not Harry, but first life me. Bits and pieces of what had happened to me came back gradually, until I could piece to together my death. 

Simply, I had been walking to my local library, hadn't looked before I crossed, and had been turned into a grease spot.

I hoped someone was taking care of Nico for me.

...You know what, I'm getting a cat when I get Hedwig. Mrs. Figg's are nice (if a bit smelly), but there was nothing like having your own cat that scratches your belongings.

Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon hated cats too, but that was just a bonus.

Anyway, the pressing matter of Aunt Petunia.

"Are you up yet?" Aunt Petunia demanded.

"Almost, you old hag," I muttered quietly. Out loud, I said, "Nearly!"

"Well, get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon. And don't you dare let it burn, I want it perfect on Duddy's birthday."

Ah yes, Dudley's birthday. Vanishing glass and snakes, perfect. (Hey, do you think I could keep the snake?...)

I looked around for a pair of socks, found some (and a spider) under my bed, and put them on.

When I was dressed and had ran a hand through my messy hair in an attempt to tame it (It seems in both lives I had bad luck in that area. Course, brown, and quick to tangle, or messy, black and permanent bed head (and altogether shorter than I would have preferred, got to fix that soon), both a hassle), I headed down to the kitchen.

The smell of bacon filled the air. The table was covered in presents for my cousin, including what looked like the new computer he wanted, along with the bike he wouldn't use.

Uncle Vernon entered as I flipped the bacon. 

"Comb your hair!" He barked.

Tricks on you, I did!

I was frying eggs when my pink faced, blonde haired, blue eyes cousin graced us with his presence. Aunt Petunia said he looked like a baby angel; I said he looked like a pig in a wig.

I set the plates on the table, which was covered in Dudley's presents. My dear cousin was counting them, and had just discovered that he had less than last year.

"Thirty-six." He looked at his parents. "That's two less than last year."

"Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's right here under this big one from Mummy and Daddy."

"All right, thirty-seven, then," He said, going red in the face. I began scarfing my bacon down faster in case he flipped the table.

Aunt Petunia obviously could tell he was close to a tantrum, because she quickly said, "And we'll buy you another _two_ presents while we're out today. How's that, popkin? _Two_ more presents. Is that alright?" Goddess, woman, that's not helping!

Dudley thought for a moment. Finally, he said slowly, "So I'll have thirty... thirty..."

"Thirty-nine, sweetums." Aunt Petunia helped him.

"Oh." He sat down heavily and grabbed the nearest package. "Alright then."

I resisted the urge to hang my head on the table.

Uncle Vernon chuckled. "Little tyke wants his money's worth, just like his father. 'Atta boy, Dudley!" He ruffled the pig- _child's_ hair.

Just then, the telephone rang, leaving me and Uncle Vernon to watch Dudley attack his presents.

She came back, anger and worry written across her face. "Mrs. Figg's broken her leg. She can't take him." She jerked her head in my direction.

Dudley's mouth fell open in horror, while I resisted the urge to smile. Freedom! Wait, they wouldn't leave me here. Dang it. 

"Now what?" She said, glaring furiously at me like I had orchestrated Mrs. Figg breaking her leg. 

"We could phone Marge?"

"Don't be silly, Vernon, she hates the boy."

"What about what's-her-name, your friend - Yvonne?"

"On vacation in Majorca."

"You could just leave me here?" I suggested.

"And come back and find the house in ruins?" She snarled.

"I won't blow the house up," I said, but she ignored me.

"I suppose we could take him to the zoo," She said hesitantly. "And leave him in the car..."

"That car's new, he's not sitting in it alone..."

Dudley thought this was an appropriate time to practice his fake crying skills, which, honestly, needed a _lot_ of work.

Aunt Petunia reassured her precious Diddley-dums that nasty Harry wouldn't ruin his special day, shooting me a nasty glare.

Half an hour later, I couldn't believe my luck, even if I knew they would take me with them. I hadn't been to a zoo in years, first life included. 

Before we left, Uncle Vernon took me aside to make sure I knew that if any "freakishness" happened, there would be severe consequences.

I didn't care, soon I would be free from the Dursleys and would never have to come back, if my plan worked. (And if it didn't, then I would just have to terrify them.)

While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia about everything, people at work, me, the council, me, the bank, me. Currently, he was on motorcycles.

Just to screw with him, I said, "I had a dream about a flying motorcycle."

Uncle Vernon nearly crashed into the car in front of us. He yelled, turning in his seat, "MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!"

Piers and Dudley snickered.

"Yeesh, it was just a dream," I muttered.

* * *

It was a sunny Sunday, and the zoo was crowded with people. The Dursleys bought Dudley and Piers large chocolate ice creams. The lady there asked me if I wanted anything before they could hurry me away, I asked if I could have the same thing. Ha.

It was the best morning I'd had in a long time. I had to be careful to walk a little while away from the Dursleys, so when Dudley and co inevitably got bored, they wouldn't fall back on the habit of hitting me.

Finally, the long awaited reptile house. Dudley immediately went to the deadly snakes, quickly finding the biggest one, a beautiful brown Boa Constrictor.

"Make it move," He whined, when the beauty wouldn't move.

Uncle Vernon banged on the glass.

"Do it again." 

Uncle Vernon tapped the glass, but the snake snoozed on.

I moved up to the glass. "I'm sorry about that."

The snake lifted her (if the sign was to be trusted) head slightly. _A speaker?_

I nodded. "What's your name? I'm Harry." 

_Tristeza._

"That's pretty." Hm, could I take her with me to Hogwarts, if I could get her to Privet Drive? It couldn't be that hard, she could probably hide well enough until she gets there. "Say, how would you like to get out of here?"

Tristeza lifted her head higher. _You could do that, Speaker?_

"Yeah, you would have to get to my home yourself, but I could get you out."

I gave her quick directions, before Piers yelled, "DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T _BELIEVE_ WHAT ITS DOING!"

Dudley came waddling towards us, and shoved me out of the way. I got the floor with a "Oof!" and before I could blink, the glass vanished.

Tristeza slithered past us, and hissed, _Thank you, Speaker,_ before disappearing out the door.

The week I spent locked in my cupboard was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, nothing much has changed. Harry's sticking closely to canon for now, the real changes will be taking place at Diagon Alley (and the letter leading up to that), and, later, Hogwarts.  
> As for Tristeza getting out, and trying to get to Privet Drive, I don't even know how that happened. It wrote itself in there without telling me.


	3. ... And Then I Argue With It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry argues with a snake, and gets his letter.

So, as it turned out, Tristeza actually _had_ found her way to Privet Drive, and now I had a seven foot snake that crushes people in my backyard. Oops.

Bad news, I had a huge snake in my yard. Good news... I didn't have to feed her and could scare people? 

* * *

My plan for my Hogwarts letter definitely wouldn't be winning any prizes, but it _would_ (probably) work.

I had penned out a reply, and was waiting at early o'clock for the owl that would bring my letter.

I was talking to Tristeza, who had been hiding in the yard _completely_ unnoticed somehow, about what we would do about Hogwarts. Currently, I was going to get a trunk with compartments you could live in, and I was going to set up a place for her to live during the school year. We were debating whether or not I should bring her food, or whether she should hunt for herself.

"You can't! What if someone sees you?"

_Hatchling, they will see me anyway. I am not exactly small._

"That doesn't matter! I don't even think most wizards even know what type of snake you are, other than Muggleborns. They're clueless."

_You are taking me to classes, yes? If they see me there, when I am acting harmless, they would be less likely to freak out when I hunt._

"Wait, when did we say you were going to classes?"

She flicked her tongue out. _Hatchling, I think your owl is here._

The flutter of wings stopped me before I could protest further.

The barn owl landed before the Dursleys' front door. There was a letter in its beak, a letter addressed in green ink, a letter to me.

The owl dropped the letter on my foot. I picked it up with shaking hands.

"C-could you wait a minute?" I said to the owl. It danced around a bit, impatiently ruffling its wings, but it stayed.

I opened the letter.

Hogwarts School

_of_ Witchcraft _and_ Wizardry

* * *

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore

_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins September 1. We await your owl no later than July 31.

Yours sincerely,

Ɱìղҽɾѵą ⱮçƓօղąցąӀӀ

Minerva McGonagall,

_Deputy Headmistress_

The letter, the one I had waited so long for, was finally here. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, that happened. Diagon Alley is the next chapter!


	4. And we're off to see Diagon Alley!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry goes to Diagon Alley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not bother with people's (like Snape) descriptions, as they are known well enough. (I also did not bother to write this well because I was so anxious to get to the sorting. Oops.)  
> 

I handed my acceptance letter to the waiting barn owl in front me, and rushed back into the house before Aunt Petunia noticed I was missing. Would it work?

* * *

I woke up early the next morning. Had they gotten my letter? Would Hagrid or Snape or McGonagall or Dumbledore come to take me to Diagon Alley? 

I didn't get my answer until late morning, when as the sun crept closer and closer to high noon, someone rapped sharply at the door. My escort was here!

I would have rushed out to answer the door myself, but since I wasn't cooking or doing chores, I was locked up in my cupboard.

Aunt Petunia, from the sound of the heels click-clacking past me, was opening the door.

"You!" She shrieked.

"Me." A dry male voice agreed. Snape? "Where is the boy?"

"I- I- get out of my house!"

"Give me the boy, Petunia, and I will."

"He didn't get a letter! You have no right to be here!"

"Then what is this?" Presumably, he showed her my reply.

Dҽαɾ Mιʂʂ MƈGσɳαɠαʅʅ,

Cαɳ ყσυ ρʅҽαʂҽ ʂҽɳԃ ʂσɱҽσɳҽ ƚσ ƚαƙҽ ɱҽ ƚσ ɠҽƚ ɱყ ʂƈԋσσʅ ʂυρρʅιҽʂ? I ԃσɳ'ƚ ƙɳσɯ ԋσɯ ƚσ ɠҽƚ ƚσ ɯԋҽɾҽ I ƈσυʅԃ ρυɾƈԋαʂҽ ƚԋҽɱ. Yσυ ʂҽҽ, I ԃιԃɳ'ƚ ƙɳσɯ I ɯαʂ α ɯιȥαɾԃ υɳƚιʅ I ɠσƚ ɱყ ʅҽƚƚҽɾ.

Tԋαɳƙʂ,

Hαɾɾყ Pσƚƚҽɾ

Simple, to the point, and would possibly infuriate Minnie that I didn't know until now. It certainly wasn't my best work, but work it did.

Aunt Petunia and her loud heels rushed towards my cupboard, unlatched the lock, threw open the door, and threw the letter at me. I blinked at the sudden light.

"What is this!?" She screeched.

"My reply to my acceptance letter?" I phrased it like a question.

"But you didn't get one!"

"Obviously, Tuney, he did. Now, we should be off to get his supplies."

Snape (I was right!) appeared next to Aunt Petunia only long enough to dramatically swish away like he expected me to follow him. Hmph. Gotta learn how to do that. If I have to wear robes, I'm at least going to have fun with it.

Aunt Petunia scurried after Snape, and I followed to the front entrance way.

Her glanced down at me for the first time. "Mr. Potter, what are you wearing?"

I glanced down at the shabby grey shirt, jeans, and sneakers I was wearing. "Dudley's hand-me-downs. Freaks like me don't get new clothes," I paused to let that sink in. "Who are you, sir?"

"I am Professor Snape. I will be your potions instructor at Hogwarts." He looked slightly displeased that I hadn't known about being a wizard. "Mr. Potter, do you know how your parents died?" 

I nodded enthusiastically. "They were useless drunks who died in a car crash. Aunt Petunia always makes sure to remind me."

He glared not so subtly at Aunt Petunia. "Why don't you go get your things while I talk to your aunt?"

I nodded, and ran to my cupboard to get my meager belongings. Some notebooks containing all the details I was sure had been the books and not fanfiction, a few pens and pencils, a spare change of clothes.

Whatever Professor Snape had said had convinced Petunia to let me go, judging from the look on her face as she shooed us out the door.

"Don't come back here again!" She called after Snape, and slammed the door.

* * *

Diagon Alley was as weird as I expected, and then some. A stack of cauldrons stood nearby, and a woman outside an apothecary was complaining about the price of dragon liver as Snape dragged me to along. Clearly, he wanted to get rid of me as soon as possible.

Finally he stopped in front of white building that dwarfed all the others. A goblin stood outside the bronze doors, wearing a gold and red uniform.

"Gringotts, Mr. Potter. We will access your fault here, then buy your school supplies," Snape said as we walked by the goblin, who bowed as we passed.

Now we faced a second silver set of doors, engraved with a warning.

_Enter, stranger, but take heed_

_Of what awaits the sin of greed,_

_For those who take but do not earn_

_Must pay dearly in their turn._

_So if you seek beneath our floors_

_A treasure that was never yours,_

_Thief, you have been warned, beware_

_Of finding more than treasure there._

How nice.

A pair of goblins bowed as we entered the marble hall. About a hundred goblins sat behind a counter, writing in ledgers, weighing coins, examining precious stones, and other banking things. More doors than you could count led out of the hall, and more goblins were leading people in and out. We headed for the counter.

Snape whooshed up, and laid a small golden key on the counter. "We have come to access Mr. Potter's vault."

The goblin looked at the key. "That seems to be in order. I will have someone take you to the vault. Griphook!"

Griphook led us toward one of the doors. It opened, not to more marble, but to a tunnel lit with torches and with railroad tracks. Griphook whistled, and a cart came diving up the sharply sloped hill. We crammed inside.

It was impossible to keep track of where we were going. We plunged past a passage with a burst of fire at the end, past an underground lake, until we hurtled back into darkness, before, finally, we stopped in front of a small door.

As Griphook unlocked the door, releasing a cloud of green smoke, Snape shoved a bag at me. "Gold is galleons, seventeen silver sickles to a galleon, twenty-nine bronze knuts to a sickle. Fill up the bag, that should be enough for the next few years."

So, I was just supposed to do this by myself? Sure, he looked a bit green, but I didn't know anything! I glanced at the piles of gold and silver, jewelry, and books. I was supposed to navigate that myself?

I walked to the nearest pile of jewelry and picked up a pair of screw on earrings. They had those in the wizarding world? 

I screwed them on, blue sapphires set into the ends and centers of silver snowflakes. I'm weak for pretty things, go away.

I quickly filled up the bag before I could find something else.

I managed to get the key before Griphook could give it to the still queasy looking Snape, who knows how much I would need with all that I was buying?

* * *

I sprinted toward the nearest shop, a Madam Primpernelle's Beautifying Potions, before Snape could recover from the return cart ride back. Canon!Harry might have been fine with Snape lurking around during his classes, I might have been, but I did _not_ want him lurking while I shopped.

I pushed open the door. The shop was a wizarding equivalent of a beauty shop. Potions for wart removal, glossy hair, and longer eyelashes, stands with nail care potions. A middle aged witch stood behind a counter.

"Miss?" I asked. "Do you have any potions to grow hair and to change the color?" 

She blinked at me in surprise; there probably weren't many boys asking her questions like that, before smiling at me. "Yes, dear, right this way." She led me over to a purple stand. "This one," She handed me a small green bottle, "will grow your hair out. You'll have to trim it to the desired length. What colour would you like, and do you want the color to be temporary, or to permanently change it? " 

"Red, and temporary, please. "

She handed me a red bottle and a purple one this time. "The purple will take the color back out, if you don't want to wait. Anything else, dear?"

I grabbed a few more of the red and purple bottles. "No, this is it."

After I paid for the potions, I found a dark corner in between the shops. I uncapped the green bottle and drank its contents. 

My scalp itched as my hair grew down to my waist. When I was sure it had stopped growing, I chugged down the other potion. I grabbed a lock of hair and watched it turn a bright red. 

Nobody expected a Harry Potter with red hair, did they?

* * *

Ok, next on the list. Robes or pets?

Who am I kidding, I'm going to get an owl first.

As I pushed open the door, a cacophony of sounds greeted me. Owls hooted, snakes hissed, cats yowled. It was dark place, smelling of animals for good reason. Cats roamed around freely, and owls fluttered their wings. Snakes slithered around in tanks in a back corner, while the cats stayed mainly away from the owls on the left.

Don't go pet the cats, don't go pet the cats...

I picked up a small, black kitten. She? He? She let me without complaint and purred softly when I stroked her fur.

.... I'm keeping her.

I headed to the owls before I could somehow adopt another cat. There, Hedwig waited. 

I found her quickly. She was snowy white; not heard to miss.

"Hello, pretty girl," I whispered as I stroked her feathers. "It's nice to meet you."

* * *

Surprisingly enough, Snape wasn't that angry when he found me. Maybe because I had already finished my shopping and he didn't have to help me, or because he was good at hiding it. Instead of looking for me like any responsible adult would, he left me to fend for myself while he set up a room for me at the Leaky Cauldron.

Either way, I wouldn't be going back to the Dursleys any time soon.

I spent the rest of my time at Diagon Alley alternating between getting textbooks for all seven years at Hogwarts, ancient runes, and divination, so I could study and not look like a complete idiot (ok _, maybe_ getting books six years before I would need them was overdoing it, but you could never be too prepared!), practicing spells while I wasn't under the Trace (note to self; attempt to avoid that by not having my wand on the train), stalking Madam Malkin's under the guise of getting a new wardrobe to look for Draco (I didn't find him), bonding with Hedwig and Blackout, sending a letter to Remus (and not getting a reply), and practicing my wand knitting, as one could never have too many magic scarves.

All in all, it was a fairly uneventful month. The most notable event was when my scarf caught on fire and didn't burn (which was probably a good thing, because that one was the one I had worked hardest on and I probably would've assaulted the fire if it burned).

Finally, the first of September rolled around, leaving me with on King's Cross Station with nothing but my book filled (and thankfully bigger on the inside) trunk, my owl, cat, and overprotective snake.

Hogwarts, here I come!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I said it was bad. Now excuse me while I avoid writing the next chapter.  
> I... Skewed the timeline up. I completely skipped one chapter, took a knife to another, and now I am very confused. We're about a week ahead of schedule, and.... Ack. This whole writing thing is hard. I had to pull up all my nonexistent knowledge on how Snape talked, had to figure out how the hell I was supposed to disguise Harry, and the necessary things needed.  
> Sue me, I like pretty things, and literally every time in fics when Harry is allowed to mess around alone in his vault he gets a fancy ring, but I wanted earrings.  
> Y'all really want Hufflepuff!Harry, that's the only house i see in the comments.  
> Here are the [earrings](https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=7PNacUG5&id=2992D548904F402D6B7AAE56F62EBB8D7B0E6FC8&thid=OIP.7PNacUG5LzmkrMA3X0MxNgHaHa&mediaurl=https%3A%2F%2Fstatic.rldcdn.com%2Fimage-generator%2FCN12966-RHBTP%2FP%2F1%2FINV%2F2400%2F3-8-ct-natural-blue-topaz-and-created-white-sapphire-snowflake-pendant-in-sterling-silver.jpg&exph=2400&expw=2400&q=+sapphire+snowflake+earrings&simid=607999380535905812&ck=75C3BC5535C2ADDCBDB74C8976AEF2A0&selectedindex=20&form=EX0023&ajaxhist=0&vt=4&sim=11&adlt=demote&shtp=GetUrl&shid=85172668-0c86-4960-a6a7-a9200d1dc690&shtk=c25vd2ZsYWtlIHBlbmRhbnQgbmVja2xhY2UgfCAuLi4gV2hpdGUgR29sZCBCbHVlIFRvcGF6IGFuZCAuLi4%3D&shdk=Rm91bmQgb24gQmluZyBmcm9tIHd3dy5waW50ZXJlc3QuY29t&shhk=ouh%2Bzx%2FM65jls0FbFw8EttOtwA1v3VBE8cvFQQewc2c%3D&shth=OSH.L6zbnTclkYs9Lp10gr1Ikg) I based Harry's on


	5. Hogwarts, hogwarts, HoGgY wArTy HoGwArTs (Express)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hogwarts Express (part one)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you have/had a wonderful day remembering James and Lily. We know Harry won't.

I had just entered King's Cross, and, in my infinite wisdom, had worn my school robes and had brought three animals with me, one of which was very dangerous and hiding under my robes, which might not have been my best idea, because I had started to draw attention.

This might have been fine, I didn't mind the stares I was receiving, if I hadn't, you know, _sneaked a dangerous snake in under my robes._

"Shit," I cursed under my breath as I realized that, no, they would not let a child with two (visible) animals run around on their own. I had already been stopped once by a concerned mother and I had only been here a minute. 

So. Possible options. One, give Hedwig my wand and let her fly to Hogwarts and remove a bit of the suspicion I was receiving, two, wait until the Weasleys came by and tag along in their midst as a fellow red haired child to remove any suspicion that wasn't from them, or three, do one then sprint for platform nine and three-quarters and wait for the Weasleys.

Hm. What to do, what to do...

* * *

"Ok, Hedwig," I said as I finished securing my wand to her leg. "Follow the train. It's red. Can't miss it."

Hedwig hooted in a way that sounded like, _yes, I know, this is the third time you've said it. Do you really doubt me that much?_

"Of course not, I'm just worried," I replied. "It's not everyday you give your owl your wand and hope she can deliver it to your magical school."

Hedwig nipped my hand in a comforting way before flying away.

" _Ok, let's go. Tristeza, are you sure you'll be fine?_ "

_Hatchling, I won't fall out of your robes. I'm wrapped around you well enough. But if you're that scared, I can stay in one of those expanded compartments in your trunk until we're on the train._

" _No, no, it's already twenty to eleven, we don't have time_ ," I tucked Hedwig's cage securely into my cart, before running toward my platform.

Which leads us to the current predicament. Was I just supposed to run towards any spot on the wall, or was there a specific spot? And there weren't any helpful Weasleys in sight! 

_Hatchling, calm down. Your red headed family is over there, behind you. You won't hit the wall, wake up, and realize the last eleven years were just something your brain thought up while you were in a coma._

I whirled around, searching the crowd. Purple suited lady with a little kid, a bunch of red heads with trunks and an owl, someone who was apparently in the wrong decade, because wow, that's a really old looking suit... Wait. Redheads with trunks. Weasleys. 

I hurried toward them, Blackout giving a meow of protest from the sudden movement. As I got closer, I picked up snatches of conversation.

"- Packed with muggles, of course-"

"-What's the platform number?-"

"-um, can't I go-"

"-ight Percy, you go first-"

"Excuse me!" I called as I slowed to a stop. "How do I get on the platform?"

"Hello dear," Mrs. Weasley said. "First time at Hogwarts?"

I nodded.

"Not to worry. All you have to do is walk straight at the barrier between platforms nine and ten. Don't be stop and be scared you'll crash into it, that's very important. The twins can go next to show you how it's done. Go on, Fred."

"I'm not Fred, I'm George," Fred said. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you _tell_ I'm George?"

"Sorry, George, dear."

"Only kidding, I am Fred."

I mentally wiped a year from my eye as Fred started running towards the platform, followed by George. Such beauty. 

"It's your turn, dear. Just go right ahead," Mrs. Weasley said, interrupting my mental praises of that glorious line. Right. Gotta go through a wall first, like that was a normal, everyday thing to do.

I jogged toward the barrier, closed my eyes just before I hit, and hoped this wouldn't end badly and result in a broken nose.

I opened my eyes. A platform packed with people and a scarlet steam engine greeted me. A sign above me said Hogwarts Express, eleven o'clock. I'd done it! 

I pushed my cart down the platform, looking for an empty spot. I passed a round faced boy who looked like a young Matthew Lewis -Neville?- who was saying, "Gran, I've lost my toad again."

Yup, Neville. Got to help him find Trevor later...

I finally found an empty compartment at the back of the train. I gently set Blackout in first before attempting to shove my trunk up the stairs. I tried to lift it up but could barely get it. I tried unsuccessfully a few more times, resulting in dropping it on my feet too many times.

"Want a hand?" A voice called out. I turned. George and Fred were standing behind me.

"Please! I can't feel my toes anymore!"

With their help, I managed to get my trunk into the corner of the compartment.

"Thanks," I said as I pushed my shoulder length hair out of my eyes. Should've tied it back.

"What's that?" George? Fred? said, pointing at my forehead.

"Blimey," the other said. "Are you -?"

"He is," Twin one said. "Aren't you?"

"Yup," I said, grinning. "And after your mum's done with you, come back to my compartment. I want to talk to you." 

The twins gawked at me. 

"You'll catch flies if you keep doing that." I said, just before Mrs. Weasley called out, "Fred? George? Are you there?" 

"Coming, Mum," Twin two called out. 

I stood next to the open door, where I got to watch Mrs. Weasley scrub at Ron's nose, Percy appear (and the reading from the twins), and the magnificent toilet, until, finally, I was mentioned.

"Hey, Mum, guess what? Guess who we just met on the train?" Twin one said (I have to find a better way to tell them apart...).

"You know that red-haired boy who was near us in the station? Know who he is?" Twin two continued.

"Who?"

" _Well, that's my cue_ ," I said to Tristeza, before stepping out of my compartment and saying, "Harry Potter!" in unison with the twins.

"Mum! Mum, that's him!" Ginny said.

"Yup!" I said cheerfully. "That's me! Oh, and you might want to hurry up and get in here,the whistle's about to go off. And I still want to talk to you!"

The whistle sounded. I jumped back into my compartment, closed the door, and started trying to get Tristeza out of my robes.

 _Hatchling,_ she said as she settled by me. _Was that really necessary?_

" _Absolutely!_ " I said as I took out my normal knitting supplies. " _Got to establish early on that I'm an insane divination prodigy or nobody will believe me later on_."

_I don't think they'll believe you anyway. Or at least the divination prodigy part. You are quite insane._

" _Thank you! Means a lot_."

I continued to knit in silence for a few minutes before the twins came by.

I waved as the entered my compartment but didn't look up.

"So, Harry-"

"-What is it -

"-You wanted to talk about?"

I set down my scarf. "You two seem like the right kind of people, so I was hoping we could work together," I held up the end of the scarf I was wearing. "I can knit you one of these too. Most of them have some sort of magical properties. This one is fire resistant, and I have a few more that'll do all sorts of things, like the ends will float, you can't lose them, water resistant, it'll heat up to keep you warm, all kinds of things. Quite handy."

"So, Harry _,_ how do you get them to do that?"

"Trade secret. Anything else?"

"Yeah, is that a snake?"

_No, I'm an owl._

" _Tristeza, be nice._ She says no, she's an owl."

"You're a parselmouth!?" Twin one scooted away a bit. Oh right, wizards don't like that. 

"Y'all are acting like I've got the plague just because I can talk to snakes. It's not like snakes are specifically evil. Just because one nasty was a parselmouth doesn't mean the rest of us are going to start throwing around the knock off abracadabra," I got up and started unlatching Blackout's cage. "You two can go now, unless you want to give me the map or pet Blackout. I'm sure you have more interesting things to do then talk to a crazy first year."

* * *

The twins left soon after that, leaving me to knit in temporary peace. It didn't last long, because soon I had another Weasley visiting me.

"Anyone sitting there?" Ron asked. "Everywhere else is full."

"I doubt that, but as long as you're quiet, sure."

We sat in silence for a few minutes, Ron occasionally glancing at my scar. 

"Hey Ron." The twins were back. One nodded to me. "Harry. Listen, we're going down the middle of the train - Lee Jordan's got a giant tarantula down there. "

"Right," Ron mumbled.

"Harry, did we introduce ourselves? George and Fred Weasley. And this is our brother, Ron. See you later, then."

I waved as they slid the compartment door closed.

"Are you really Harry Potter?" Ron blurted out.

I nodded. 

"Oh - well, I thought it might be one of Fred and George's jokes, " said Ron. "And have you really got - you know..."

I pushed my hair back silently.

"So that's where You-Know-Who -?"

"Yes, that's the remnant of the killing curse I was hit in the face with. No, I did not kill Voldie. Mum did, I have no idea where this nonsense of a fifteen month old baby killing the Dark Lord came from. Yes, it's true. Surprise, surprise, an infant didn't kill the most feared wizard since Grindelwald."

Ron gaped at me.

"You'll catch flies," I said, turning back to my scarf. "Is it just Weasleys or are all wizards incapable of taking in surprising information without imitating a Venus fly-trap?"

I didn't get a response. 

Soon after that fascinating tale, our compartment door slid open. A smiling woman said, "Anything off the cart, dears?"

"Thank goddess, I'm starving. " I said, and proceeded to raid the cart of anything that even _looked_ like it had chocolate in it.

It was a very happy Harry that sat down with a pile of chocolate frogs. I flipped over the card as I bit into one. "Huh, I got Circe. Did you know, in Greek mythology, she would turn men into pigs? Quite interesting, really. Greeks have got all sorts of weird stuff in the myths."

I think I might have broken Ron.

* * *

There was a knock on our compartment door and young Matthew Dav- _Neville,_ came in. He looked like he was on the verge of tears. 

"Sorry," he said. "but have you seen a toad?"

"Sorry, but no. I'll make sure to come find you if I do."

He left our compartment sadly.

"Don't know why he's so bothered," Ron said. "If I'd brought a road if lose it as quick as I could. Mind you, I brought Scabbers, so I can't talk."

The traitorous backstabbing "rat" was sleeping on Ron's lap.

"He might have died and you wouldn't know the difference."

"Is he old, then?" I asked.

"Percy found him in the garden ten years ago."

"Really?" I feigned interest in the "rat". "I could take him off your hands, then. If he's as old as you say, there might be something interesting about him. I could get you an owl or a cat to replace him."

"Are you sure?" I nodded. "If you really want him... "

"I do!" I said cheerfully as I picked the animagus up.

And not a moment too soon, because right as I settled back down, Hermione opened the compartment door.

"Has anyone seen a toad? Neville's lost one."

"No, sorry. I'm Harry Potter, by the way. "

"Ron Weasley," Ron said.

"Hermione Granger," she turned to me. "Are you really? I've read all about you, of course - I got a few extra books for background reading, and you're in _Modern Magical History_ and _The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts_ and _Great Wizardig Events of the Twentieth Century._ "

"Am I really?" I said. " Well, don't believe everything you read. It's not true. It probably said I killed Voldemort, right? I didn't, Mum did."

"Okay," she said hesitantly. "Do either of you know what house you'll be in? I've been asking around, and I hope I'm in Gryffindor, it sounds by far the best; I hear Dumbledore himself was in it, but I suppose Ravenclaw wouldn't be too bad... "

"Ravenclaw seems like a good fit for you. If that's what you really want, that's fine. And besides, the houses are just there to put you with people that might be like you. All this talk about how Hufflepuffs are useless and Slytherins are evil is a bunch of nonsense; your house doesn't define you. Just because a few are nasties doesn't mean the whole house is. You shouldn't listen to house prejudices, they're a load of crap!" I had to shout that last bit, as she was already backing away.

"I'm going to go help Neville look for Trevor. I expect well be at Hogwarts soon; you might want to change into your robes."

Oops, I might have scared her off. But at least it had been for a good cause?

Ron and I continued to sit in silence, in which I finished the scarf and wrapped it around a purring Blackout, marking her as a Ravenclaw. Scabbers started squeaking in fear when he realized who was holding him, and Tristeza asked if she would be getting a scarf too (" _If you really want one, sure."_ )

Eventually though, since all good silences come to an end, the compartment door opened again. Three boys stepped through, the one in the middle resembling a young Tom Felton. 

This confirmed something. Up until now, we had only two people looking like their movie counterparts: Snape, in all his Alan Rickman glory, and Neville. The Dursleys, Weasleys, and Hermione had all looked like how they were portrayed in the books. Which brought up a very important question; did Alan Rickman and every one else still exist?

Now, you might be wondering, _Harry, is that really the most important thing?_ Well, yes! Who else would do such a good job playing them when I wrote out the Harry Potter books and they became movies?

Well, scheme to make lots of money aside, Draco Malfoy had just entered my compartment, and I had to deal with this problem before I could start coming up with a fake name to sell them under.

"Is it true?" He said. " They're saying all down the train that Harry Potter's in this compartment. "

"Yup," I said. "That's me. Who're you?"

"My name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy."

Ron gave a short cough that was disguising a snigger. Draco looked at him.

"Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask who you are. My father told me all the Weasleys have red hair, freckles, and more children than they can afford. "

He turned back to me. "You'll soon find out that some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there. "

He held out his hand, and I reached forward to shake it. "Thanks, but I hope you don't mind if I make friends on my own. I've already met a few people that seem nice, you one of the them, and I hope that won't stop you from being my friend if you disagree on my choices."

I hope this won't be a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... The scene in the train with the twins just kind of write itself in (rude, it didn't even bother trying to be well written). It was not my intent for that to happen.  
> We're stopping there mostly because I wanted to get this chapter finished and posted before Halloween ended, and I don't have much time left, so I decided here would be fine. Next chapter will pick up right from there and continue until the Sorting is over.


	6. Why am I letting a piece of felt sort me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring: The five minutes of the Hogwarts Express that's left, the Sorting, one line of foreshadowing, calling Cedric Pretty Boy (because that's what I call Robert Pattinson), overuse of the trademark™ symbol for something Simone didn't write, and the common room as taken from the Harry Potter wiki page (therefore telling you he isn't in Gryffindor, which was probably expected)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Passages taken from The Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, which I don't own, because if I did, I wouldn't be typing out Philosopher's/Sorcerer's.  
> So, uh. Hey? *shoves 4.8k at you and runs*

Draco left the compartment soon after that, probably because he could only stand being near one Weasley at a time and the twins had appeared out of nowhere half a second after I had let go of his hand, bringing news of being at Hogwarts in five minutes.

Ron had pulled on his robes while I tried to shoo my Ravenclaw cat back into her cage and get my snake in a secure position on my shoulders. 

It wasn't long before we exited the train to stand in the cold night air (lovely). A lamp came bobbing over the heads of my fellow students.

"Firs' years! Firs' years over here!" A familiar-ish voice called. "C'mon, follow me - any more firs' years? Mind yer step now! Firs' years follow me!"

Slipping, stumbling, and cursing on my part ( _Hatchling, there are children here._ ), we followed Hagrid down a steep, narrow path. It was pitch black, a result of the thick trees surrounding us. Nobody spoke, other than more cursing on my part and more hissed reminders that I was around young, innocent children from Tristeza. 

"Yeh'll get yer firs' sight o Hogwarts in a sec," Hagrid called back to us, "jus' round this bend here."

There was a loud "Ooooh!"

The path had opened suddenly onto the edge of a great black lake. Perched atop a high mountain in the other side, its windows sparkling in the starry sky, was a vast castle with many turrets and towers.

"No more'n four to a boat!" Hagrid called, pointing to a fleet of little boats sitting in the water by the shore. Me and Ron, who was still sticking to my side, were followed into their boat by Neville and Hermione. 

"Everyone in?" shouted Hagrid , who had a boat to himself. "Right then - FORWARD!"

And the little fleet of boats moved off all at once, gliding across the lake, which was smooth as glass and way too dark for me to be comfortable. Who knows what's hiding under us right now? 

Every one was silent, staring up at the great castle overhead. It towered above us as we sailed nearer and nearer to the cliff on which it stood.

"Heads down!" yelled Hagrid as the first boats reached the cliff; we all bent our heads and the little boats carried them through a curtain of ivy that hid a wide opening in the cliff face. We traveled through a dark tunnel, taking us under the castle, until we reached some kind of harbor and clambered out onto the rocky shore. 

"Oy, you there! Is this your toad?" said Hagrid, who was checking the boats.

"Trevor!"

We climbed up a passageway in the rock after Hagrid's lamp, coming out at last onto smooth, damp grass right in the shadow of the castle.

We walked up a flight of stone steps and crowded around the huge oak door.

"Everyone here? You there, still got yer toad?"

Hagrid raised a gigantic fist and knocked three times on the castle door.

The door swing open at once. A tall, black-haired witch in emerald-green robes stood there. She had a very stern face and my first thought was _how much detention would I get if cuddled her when she was a cat?_

(Weird, I know.)

"The firs' years, Professor McGonagall," said Hagrid.

"Thank you, Hagrid. I will take them from here."

She pulled the door wide. The entrance hall was so big you could have fit the whole of the Dursleys' house in it, and then some. The stone walls were l it with flaming torches like the ones at Gringotts, the ceiling was too high to make out, and a magnificent marble staircase facing them led to the upper floors. 

We followed Professor McGonagall across the flagged stone floor. I could hear the drone of hundreds of voices from a doorway to the right - probably where the rest of the was - but McGonagall showed us into small, empty chamber off the hall. We crowded in, standing a lot closer together than I would have wished, looking around nervously.

"Welcome to Hogwarts," Minnie began. " The start-of-term banquet will begin shortly, but before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your houses. The Sorting is a very important ceremony because, while you are here, your house will be something like your family within Hogwarts. You will have classes with the rest of your house, sleep in your house dormitory, and spend your free time in your house common room.

"The four houses are called Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Each house has its own noble history and each has produced outstanding witches and wizards. While you are at Hogwarts, your triumphs will earn your house points, while any rule-breaking will lose house points. At the end of the year, the house with the most points is awarded the house cup, a great honor. I hope each of you will be a credit to whichever house becomes yours.

"The Sorting Ceremony will take place in a few minutes in front of the rest of the school. I suggest you all smarten yourselves up as much as you can while you are waiting."

Her eyes lingered for a moment in Neville's cloak, which was fastened under his left ear, Ron's smudged nose, and the snake around my shoulders. I gave her a small wave as I pulled my hair back and tried to wrangle it into to some semblance of being under control.

"I shall return when we are ready for you," McGonagall said. "Please wait quietly. "

She left the chamber. 

"How do they sort us?" I asked Ron, pretending to be a Clueless First Year™.

"Some sort of test, I think. Fred said it hurts a lot, but I think he was joking. "

"Nah, they wouldn't do something like that to a bunch of eleven year olds. Or maybe they would. Wizards are weird..." I said. "Hey, anyone have a hair tie?" 

Hermione handed me one as she chattered on about what spells she had learned and which one she might need. I struck up a conversation with Tristeza as I straightened my robes up.

" _I think I'm going to be in Hufflepuff. Or maybe Slytherin, but I doubt I'd get in Ravenclaw or Gryffindor. I'm not smart enough or stupid enough to get in either of those."_

_I'm sure you'll do well in whatever house you get in, Hatchling._

_"Yeah, I know, but it'd be so much_ fun _if I was a Hufflepuff. No one would suspect anything!"_

I jumped as several shrieks split the air. "What the fuck‽"

_Language._

" _You're not my mom,"_ I muttered as I watched twenty ghosts, the source of the shrieking, float through the back wall. Pearly white and slightly transparent, they looked like every ghost in every movie you'd every seen, ignoring us as they glided across the room, seeking to be arguing. A fat little monk, presumably the Fat Friar, was saying: "Forgive and forget, I say, we ought to give him a second chance."

"My dear Friar, haven't we given Peeves all the chances he deserves? He gives us all a bad name and you know, he's not really even a ghost - I say, what are you all doing here? "

A ghost in a ruff and tights had suddenly noticed us.

Nobody answered.

"New students!" said the Fat Friar, smiling around at them. "About to be Sorted, I suppose?"

A few people nodded mutely.

"Hope to see you in Hufflepuff!" said the Friar. "My old house, you know."

"Move along now," a sharp voice said. "The Sorting Ceremony's about to start."

Professor McGonagall has returned. One by one, the ghosts floated away through the opposite wall.

"Now, form a line," McGonagall told us, "and follow me."

I got behind a sandy-haired boy, Ron behind me, and walked out of the chamber, back across the hall, and through a pair of doors into the Great Hall.

I had never seen a place like it, even in the movies. Thousands and thousands of candles (" _Fire hazard._ ") were floating in midair over four long tables, where the rest of the students were sitting. The tables are laid with golden plates and goblets. At the top of the hall was another table, where the teachers were sitting. McGonagall led us up there, facing the students so they could have the best view to stare at the little first years. Dotted among the students, ghosts shone like muted silver. To avoid the staring eyes, many of them looking at Tristeza, I looked up and gasped. The Milky Way, dark blue and purple and white and pink, was set against a dark, dark blue sky. Millions of stars glittered, forming familiar constellations, and ones I had never seen. I heard Hermione whisper, "It's bewitched to look like the sky during the Founders' day. I read about it in _Hogwarts: A History._ "

It was hard to believe there was a ceiling at all, and it didn't just open straight to the star-lit night.

I looked back down as McGonagall silently placed a dirty, old hat on a four-legged stool. Wait, why am I letting a piece of felt sort me? This seems like a bad idea.

There were a few moments of silence before a rip near the brim opened and started to sing.

_"Oh you may not think I'm pretty,_   
_But don't judge on what you see,_   
_I'll eat myself if you can find_   
_A smarter hat than me._   
  
_You can keep your bowlers black,_   
_Your top hats sleek and tall,_   
_For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat_   
_And I can cap them all._   
  
_There's nothing hidden in your head_   
_The Sorting Hat can't see,_   
_So try me on and I will tell you_   
_Where you ought to be._   
  
_You might belong in Gryffindor,_   
_Where dwell the brave at heart,_   
_Their daring, nerve, and chivalry_   
_Set Gryffindors apart;_   
  
_You might belong in Hufflepuff,_   
_Where they are just and loyal,_   
_Those patient Hufflepuffs are true_   
_And unafraid of toil;_   
  
_Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,_   
_if you've a ready mind,_   
_Where those of wit and learning,_   
_Will always find their kind;_   
  
_Or perhaps in Slytherin_   
_You'll make your real friends,_   
_Those cunning folks use any means_   
_To achieve their ends._   
  
_So put me on! Don't be afraid!_   
_And don't get in a flap!_   
_You're in safe hands (though I have none)_   
_For I'm a Thinking Cap!"_

The hall burst into applause as the hat finished its song. It bowed to the four tables and became still again.

"So we've just got to try on the hat!" Ron whispered to me. "I'll kill Fred, he was going on about wrestling a troll. "

"No," I whispered back. "We do that on Halloween."

McGonagall stepped forward with a long roll of parchment. "When I call your name, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted." 

Before she could say the first name, I said, "And may the odds be _ever_ in your favor." 

It wasn't very loud, but nearly everyone heard it and started staring at me again, to which I just smiled, unfazed.

McGonagall cleared her throat. "Abbott, Hannah!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Bones, Susan!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

This continued in a similar fashion, with no changes that I could see, until we reached "Granger, Hermione!", where the Sorting Hat yelled out "RAVENCLAW!", to my surprise. I guess my speech had gotten through to her? (Or maybe she figured I'd end up in Gryffindor and didn't want to deal with my craziness. Both were good options.)

Finally, my own turn came. I walked up to the stool, ignoring the whispers about Tristeza, my fame, and why is his hair red?

 _Hmm._ A voice said. _I haven't sorted someone like you in quite some time._

"You mean a reincarnate?"

_Yes, the last one was about ninety years ago. They didn't come from the same universe as you, instead one you might know as the X-Men universe. Sad, really, they died before their power could be controlled._

"Wait, you mean there are more universe than yours and mine?"

_Yes,, but most come through the Veil of Death rather than by reincarnation. I've only had five in all my years here. We should be focusing on your sorting, though. Ravenclaw might be good, you're very intelligent, and I can see all the questions you're begging to ask me._

I snorted. "No, I'd much rather be a Hufflepuff or Slytherin. Answering a riddle to get into your common room doesn't sound very fun, and I probably just seem smart compared to the eleven year olds you usually sort."

_Hm, if you say so. Not a Gryffindor though?_

"No, I don't want to be considered cannon fodder for the rest of my life. Hufflepuff would be nice; just think of all the chaos I could cause." I could hear the students murmuring, saying something about being a Hatstall?

 _You would be a good fit there,_ the Hat mused. _Very loyal and kind, but also clever and ambitious. Curious too, but with a Gryffindor tendency to run headfirst into danger and not plan ahead._ _Best_ _be_ "HUFFLEPUFF!"

It took a few moments before the Hufflepuff table started cheering wildly. I took a seat next to Hannah Abbott and Susan Bones.

"Hello," I said, before moving my fork a millimeter to the left. " Why is everyone staring at me? Is it considered an act of war to sit at a table with a snake on your shoulders here? "

"No," a vaguely familiar looking pretty boy a couple years older than me across the table said as the Sorting resumed. " Its because you're Harry Potter _and_ a Hat stall. "

"Five minutes and sixteen seconds!" Kayla called from halfway down the table. "What took so long, Harry?"

"Me and the Hat were discussing the multiverse." Hey, did that mean Sirius ended up in a different universe when he fell through the Veil?

Pretty Boy laughed. "I'm Cedric Diggory."

" Harry Potter, although I'm sure you know that. This is Tristeza, " I smiled and poked Tristeza gently.

_Hatchling, he's the one who dies, yes?_

My smile faded slightly. " _Yes, but it's not happening this time. I won't let him die. "_

Pretty Bo- er, Cedric, jumped slightly. "You're a Parselmouth?" 

"I'm getting _really_ tired of people asking that, " I muttered quietly, before saying, louder, "Yes, I am."

"I didn't know there were any left!" Susan exclaimed.

"Yeah, well, I'm sure if everyone was terrified because you could talk to snakes and a Dark Lord using the anagram he made up as a teenager could too, instantly making you hated by everyone and their mother, you'd hide it too," I paused. "Of course, since I survived a killing curse to the face, becoming the most famous infant in the wizarding world, I have nothing to fear. But not everyone had the amazing Lily Jasmine Evans as their mother, so they'll have to remain in hiding until I can set everyone straight."

Susan blinked. "Okay...?"

The poor girl was saved from more of my insanity by Gandalf, who had stood up and was smiling at all us students. "Welcome!" He said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

"Thank you!"

He sat back down. Everyone, excluding me, started clapping and cheering.

"Well, that was interesting," I said as I dumped half the bacon on my plate. " I'm not sure why we're insulting blubber and tweaking the oddment, as it seems perfectly fine to me, but I wouldn't want to doubt the man who used to date Grindelwald."

"Wha... How would you know that?" Cedric asked in confusion.

I reached across the table and patted his arm sympathetically. Sorry, buddy, I don't know either. It's been eleven years, I think your memory might decay a little too. "I read. A lot." 

The conversation halted for a few moments. I shoveled more food into my mouth; chocolate is good and all, but not enough to substitute for a whole meal, as much as I wished it could. They should probably get something set up on the train for students who didn't bring anything.

"Uh..." I began. "Is it just me or is this silence awkward? I've never been able to tell that sort of thing."

Another few quiet moments before Hannah said, "Harry, why do you have an American accent?"

"I do?" I squinted. "Huh. I do." The Dursleys hadn't exactly _liked_ the fact I had an American accent, so I had learned at the old age of two and a half to imitate a British one when in range of a Dursley; I guess I had dropped it without realizing as soon as they were out of earshot. "Oh, well; it's because I'm actually an American who had the misfortune to die and get reborn as a British person. But since my relatives are jerks, I had to fake a British accent."

"Oh," she said. "You didn't have to tell us if you didn't want to."

Rule one of lying: if the truth is unbelievable, just tell them that. It'll get them off your backs. Hopefully.

_Hatchling, I believe one of the red-headed twins is trying to get your attention._

" _What?_ " I glanced over at the Gryffindor table to see one of the twins waving at me. " _Oh. I_ _wonder_ _what they want."_

_Why don't you go and see?_

" _I can't; students aren't allowed to sit at the other Houses' tables..._ Hey, Cedric, is it an actual rule or more of an understood don't-do-it to sit at the other tables?"

"Um," Cedric started. "I think it's more that no one has anybody to sit with at another table; I've never heard of a rule that says you can't."

"Good!" I cheerfully said, standing up. "Of course, it isn't good that House rivalry runs so deep that siblings won't sit with each other, but you know what I mean. If anybody asks, I'm leaving to go befriend Salazar Slytherin's dreaded basilisk. If they point out the obvious and say I'm just at the Gryffindor table, tell them that's my evil twin named Jimothy, come to take over the world with George's and Fred's help."

"Ok..?"

* * *

"Hello George. Fred," I sat down in the spot the two had cleared between them. "I hope this is important; there's a plate of bacon with my name on it at the Hufflepuff table."

"Of course it is!" Twin o- nevermind, I'm just going to call this one Fred until I can tell which is which. This whole one and two thing is getting monotonous.

"We wouldn't-"

"Want to-"

"Take up-"

"Your time-"

"After all!" They finished together.

"Ok then. What is it you want? I can get you a bunch of glitter. Stuff gets everywhere, is shiny, and is impossible to get rid of completely. Come to think of it, the Marauders probably would've loved it." I muttered under my breath.

The two exchanged a Look™ over my head. "Marauders, you say?"

"Yeah. I assume you have the map on you now?"

They exchanged another Look™. "Yes." 

"Can I see it?"

Another Look™. (Are they Legilimens or something?) "I suppose," George said, pulling a piece of folded parchment from his robes and tapping it with his wand. "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good."

Ink spread across the parchment, forming words:

Mҽʂʂɾʂ мσσηу, ຟ໐r๓tคil, ρα∂ƒσσт, αɳԃ Pɾσɳɠʂ  
Pυɾʋҽყσɾʂ σϝ Aιԃʂ ƚσ Mαɠιƈαʅ Mιʂƈԋιҽϝ-Mαƙҽɾʂ  
αɾҽ ρɾσυԃ ƚσ ρɾҽʂҽɳƚ  
THE MARAUDER'S MAP

I tapped the names. "Do you know who they are?"

George shook his head.

"I do."

"Really?"

"'Course I do. Probably wouldn't be the best son or godson if I didn't," I grabbed a piece of celery off Fred's plate and started tapping each name. "Prongs is my dad, James Potter. Moony is Remus Lupin, Padfoot Sirius Black, and Wormtail is a disgusting piece of backstabbing traitorous garbage, Peter Pettigrew."

I never got to see their reaction, or find out what they had waved me over for, because Dumbledore had started his speech.

"Ahem - just a few words now that we are all fed and watered. I have a few start of term notices to give you.

"First years should note that the forest in the grounds is forbidden to all pupils. And a few of our older students would do well to remember that as well.

"I have also been asked by Mr. Filch, the caretaker, to remind you all that no magic should be used between classes in the corridors.

"Quidditch trials will be held in the second week of the term. Anyone interested in playing for their house teams should contact Madam Hooch.

"And finally, I must tell you that this year, the third floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death."

A few people laughed. 

"And now, before we go to bed, let us sing the school song!"

Dumbledore flicked his wand, a gold ribbon flowed out, twisting above the tables to form words.

"Everyone pick their favorite tune," said Dumbledore. "and off we go!"

" _Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,  
Teach us something, please,  
Whether we be old and bald  
Or young with scabby knees,  
Our heads could do with filling  
With some interesting stuff,  
For now they’re bare and full of air,  
Dead flies and bits of fluff,  
So teach us things worth knowing,  
Bring back what we’ve forgot,  
Just do your best, we’ll do the rest,  
And learn until our brains all rot."_

I performed a rather dramatic singing, collapsing against one of the Weasley twins, who were singing a funeral march, when I was done.

"Ah, music," Dumbledore said after we finished clapping. "A magic beyond all we do here! And now, bedtime. Off you trot!"

As Percy led the Gryffindors out of the Great Hall, I ran back to the Hifflepuffs, joining them as we were led out of the hall, down a flight of stairs, past a painting that looked suspiciously like the one that led into the kitchens, and over to the right side, by a stack of barrels.

The prefect pulled out her wand. "To get into the basement, you have to tap the barrel two from the bottom, middle of the second row, in the rhythm of 'Helga Hufflepuff'. That'll open a passage you can crawl through to the common room. If you hit the wrong one... well, don't do that." She demonstrated the pattern, two slow taps, then three fast taps; one of the barrels opened to reveal a dimly lit passageway.

She started crawling through the passage, talking as she went. "Each student has their own assigned room, which they'll stay in for all seven years. No switching. Rooms are warded to keep out the opposite gender, excluding family.

"Professor Sprout has asked me to tell you, as she has limited time tonight and will not be able to give her usual welcoming, that her office is open to any student. Any muggleborns or muggle-raised students will be scheduled to visit Madam Pomfrey to get the proper vaccinations and make sure your healthy. There's a scheduling sheet, I'll show you. Just put down your name next to the best time for you."

It was my turn to crawl through the passage. I hesitated.

Kayla gave me a nudge. "Don't worry, I haven't seen any spiders yet."

I nodded and crawled through. At the end of the dimly lit passage, the perfect held her hand out and pointed to a scroll lying on a table by the wall once of regained my balance. "Sheet's over there if you need it." 

I looked around the room; it was a cozy looking space, low-ceilinged with overstuffed black and yellow sofas and armchairs sitting around a fire with a honey-colored mantelpiece carved with badgers above it.Circular windows up near the top, letting in moonlight. ferns and ivy hung from the ceiling in copper pots. Cacti and other plants, some of which were moving and talking- was that one singing Bohemian Rhapsody?-, rested on windowsill and shelves curved to fit the round walls.

There are lots of burnished copper touches around the room, along with a few doors leading out. All in all, it was a very welcoming place.

I crossed over to the sheet the prefect had indicated. Times of about a half hour each were there,in it, along with places for names next to the times. They Appeared to mostly be on weekends. I put my name in near the bottom of the sheet, for two weeks from now.want

Kayla led me over to one of the couches. "Nice place, innit?"

I nodded. "It's nice to see you."

"You too, kiddo. How's the last month been? I haven't seen you around the library. I see you managed to get a snake-" she ruffled my hair. "-and a hair change."

"I liberated Tristeza from a zoo, I've been staying at Diagon Alley since I got my letter, where I acquired hair dye, a hair lengthening thingie, a cat, an owl, and more books and clothes than I know what to do with. How's your month been? "

"Not nearly as exciting as yours, although I would like to meet your cat. Like, as soon as possible. Pronto. Immediately. "

"I don't know where she is."

"In your room. Your truck and any pets you may have get taken there when you're sorted. I'll show you." She led me to the doors. "Far left leads to the bathrooms and showers, second is rooms for students with last names starting with A to G, third is for H to O, fourth is for P to Z," she opens the third door and led me through to a passage with... more doors. "You'll be up near the front, it's alphabetical order, aaaand here we are!" She stopped in front of a door with a bronze nameplate. "H. Potter, that's you," she opened the door and all but shoved me in, brown hair flying. "Your cat should be over to the left, on your desk. Closet's to the right, bed's... Well, you should be able to tell where that is."

I glanced around as I walked over to retrieve Blackout. Copper lamps lot the space, a four poster bed in the middle, my trunk at the foot of it. A bookshelf was in the corner, empty. I picked up Blackout, absently running a hand down her back as I looked around the room.

"Come on!" Kayla stuck her head in.

"You aren't usually this energetic," I said as we walked back to the common room. "Did you eat a pound of sugar or something? "

"No," she said absently. "I'm told I'm usually like this the first day back. Although, I did eat a lot of sugar."

* * *

The night quieted down from there, me and Kayla talking for a while, before we were sent to bed (yee). Cedric came by for a few minutes, although I think that was more because Kayla was in his year and she was talking to me rather than because he thought I was an interesting conversation oartner. To be fair, his first impression of me had been... weird. Hey, I had panicked. I'm allowed to do that.

While, technically, I was supposed to be sleeping, I wasn't. The lamps turned on and off on command, and dimmed, which was nice. I'm sure all the other student weren't taking advantage of this to compare the light emitted from the lamps to that of a muggle lighter, or checking the acoustics in their closet to see if their voice was nice enough to sing a three headed dog to sleep (Tristeza, Blackout, and Hedwig were no help with that, either not being able to tell me or not caring).

As I lay awake later, stroking Blackout's fur and listening to her grumbly purrs, I couldn't tell whether the twisting in my stomach was nervousness or excitement. This was no joke anymore. These were real people, and they were going to get hurt; some would even die (my stomach twisted more when I thought of Cedric, confused but welcoming earlier). It was up to me to stop that from happening, and I was a screw-up at everything I tried. We were all doomed.

With that cheerful thought, I rolled around and tried to drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Ngl I wrote the last few paragraphs out of spite because my draft was deleted so if it's bad you know why and wow that got out of hand muse are you okay?)  
> Hey! Reader! Yeah, you! Would you be interested in me writing a companion piece detailing Harry's childhood (and maybe a few scenes from other POVs and cut scenes (you'd also hear more about Kayla and how Harry knows her))?  
> So, I had quite a bit of fun writing the after sorting scene, but after letting it sit for a while, I'm not sure it's very good any more... I kind of hate it (just like the rest of this garbage)  
> Could anyone tell the Marauders names (excluding Prongs) were in different fonts than the rest?  
> Here are a couple fics I wanted to share with you, [Oh God Not Again!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4701869/chapters/10736366#workskin) and [Harry Potter and the Reluctant Rebirth.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19275442)  
> They were my main inspiration for writing this and I thought y'all might want to read them.  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> Do I look like an ass named JK Rowling? No. So I don't own Harry Potter. This is written purely because I wanted to try my hand at something like this.  
> Give me your thoughts on Harry's sorting! I'm a Hufflepuff, so I'm split between my own house, Slytherin, and _maybe _Gryffindor, but both me and Harry are too stupid for Ravenclaw.__  
>  Visit me on my tumblr, [duchessmb](https://duchessmb.tumblr.com/#)!  
> I'm looking for a beta! After rereading this, I've come to the conclusion that someone really needs to come and clean up after me and my autocorrect, which likes fucking with me by changing all my 'on's to 'in', and other such annoyances, not to mention my generally bad spelling and grammar (and, if they're British or know how to talk like someone British, to clean up my sad excuse for dialogue, because I am not skilled in the ways of talking like a non-American).


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